Matt has been asking me for quite some time now to write a post for his blog that gave everyone a little peek into what his diagnosis has been like for me with the goal of offering a different perspective on MS.
I have sat down a few times to organize my thoughts and begin writing, but one thing would lead to another, and I would never finish. If I am truly honest with myself, there was a part of me that simply did not want to do it. In a way I saw this as Matt inviting me to publicly process everything we have experienced this past year, and for the sake of being as real as possible, I don’t feel like I have been processing things very well and the thought of doing it in front of people made me uncomfortable. But nevertheless….here I am. Typing. Sharing. Crying. Praying.
One year ago today was the day Matt was officially given the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. I can remember wanting so badly to push the fast forward button and quickly move us out of the “shocked” phase and into the “this is our new normal” phase. I wanted to be out of that chaos and be a little further down the road where we have a little more figured out and life felt more under control, or at least a perceived control. I never did find that stupid button.
So as I reflect on this past year, so many things come to mind. God has revealed himself in new ways to Matt and I, both individually and together. We are different people than we were a year ago. A diagnosis changes you. It just does.
A year ago I was a mess. Scared out of my mind. I would wake up in the middle of the night, get out of bed and get on my knees praying, I would lay hands on Matt while he was sleeping and declare health over him. I would audibly declare healing, declare a miracle, declare a clear MRI scan, and declare that we would go to Mayo and they would just tell us that he had some silly virus, to go home...he would get better. I was doing my best to live in expectancy to see God move in a major way; expectant of a miracle; expectant to see prayers answers. But I didn’t. Not the way I had prayed.
I must admit that my method for dealing with all of this for the longest time was simply to avoid it. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to know what symptoms Matt was experiencing, what research he had done (and he done a TON). I didn’t even want to speak those stupid two letters, “MS.” But my method of avoidance wasn’t going to work at Mayo. I sat there listening to my husband converse back and forth with a world renowned MS specialist. I had to listen to him describe symptoms I was unaware of, and answers questions that I knew were leading to a diagnosis. I couldn’t escape.
“Stabilize your soul with the sovereignty of God. He reigns supreme over every detail of the universe.” -Max Lucado
I wish I could tell you that during that time and during this past year I have been overwhelmed with God's presences and that this has been such a blessing for me, but I am not there yet. I wish that I could say my worries are gone and my faith is as strong as ever, but I am not there yet. But God is moving and one day I will be there. During those awful moments at Mayo a year ago, I knew God was present and that He was in control, but that was still one of, if not the hardest things I have ever gone through. It was painful, awkward, and horrifically uncomfortable. Any sense of control went out the window and I felt vulnerable and isolated. God was there, but his presences didn’t come with an overwhelming amount of comfort.
And yet, in moments like those, God calls us to trust him. He calls us to stabilize our souls in Him, the sovereign ruler over ALL things. Crazy! Right? Makes no sense at all. But we obey, or at least try to.
So, this past year I have had to figure out what it looks like for me to stabilize my anxious soul in the sovereignty of the Lord. What a challenge! In my worry, the enemy can take me from zero to one hundred in less than a second. I lose the mental battle so quickly and my soul become overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. It happens so fast, and so often.
But I am finding that when I am in the presence of God, truly engaged with my spirit, I am hidden from the enemy. Anxiety can not enter my soul. I experience an indescribable peace that makes absolutely no sense given the context of circumstances I find myself in. The love of God that casts out all fear rushes in and the enemy flees. He has to flee.
But it doesn’t last, my mindset that is. God’s presence, love and peace endure forever. His presences is always there...but HOLY COW, so is my anxious soul and the infinite amount of “what if’s” that lead me down a dangerous and exhausting slope of worry. My gut reaction is to grab hold of anything I can to try and take control; to plan out every possible outcome so that I can be prepared for whatever life throws at me. God says something else. He asks me to trust in Him. He asks me to not worry about tomorrow, but focus on today. He asks me to “take up my cross DAILY,” not to plan out my entire life. He invites me to come to Him and allow him to provide my DAILY bread. Lately, it has seemed more like hourly bread, or “minute-ly” bread at times. But when I lean into Him, when I allow my soul to get lost in His character I am STABLE. MS is still there. Other problems are still there, but my focus isn’t there. It is on God. My father. My protector. The Holy, authoritative, sovereign ruler over ALL things. The God who holds me in His hands shielding me from the enemy.
I pray that God shows you how to stabilize your soul in Him. I pray that you can experience His perfect and unexplainable peace in His presence.I pray that you can experience what He meant when he said “my burden is light.”
Lauren