If you follow me or someone in my family on facebook you have probably come to realize that March is MS Awareness month. As the days continue to come and go through March I have spent most of them asking my self one simple question. How much MS awareness should I partake in? Surprisingly this has been one of the most difficult questions for me to answer over the last, nearly year since I have been diagnosed with MS.
This has caused quite a bit of inner thought, questioning, and reasoning that I really didn't expect. I had a conversation with some co-workers a few days into March about MS and the effects it has on people. One of the co-workers mentioned that she was seeing someone post on Facebook every day a different statistic about MS. She mentioned how she thought about me every time she read those posts. I was flattered because this was an example of social media and awareness month working perfectly to help others understand our daily lives just a little bit better. But as we were talking about it I managed to make the statement, "It is my month. I never thought I would have 'My Month' but I do." After saying that I questioned, Why did I say that? What was the reasoning behind it and why haven't I posted anything on social media to help raise awareness?
As I thought about this question over the next few days I kept coming back to clips I would see on ESPN that were part of the series, "My Wish'. This was a series of short stories of young kids who were mostly terminally ill that got a wish to meet their favorite athlete granted. It is truly a remarkable series that is on every summer. I recommend you check them out if you haven't. I remember watching those and would see kids that were just putting their head down and grinding every single day. It was truly remarkable and was inspiring to me. I always come out of those films saying that if I had cancer or some type of illness I wanted to be just like how they are. People who just put their head down and grind. They don't make excuses, they don't complain, they simply play the hand that was dealt to them the best they know how.
That is where my internal struggle begins. I am an open book, but for the most part, only if people ask. If someone asks about my story or symptoms of MS I am more than happy to answer those questions and start a conversation. I am not usually someone to start the conversation. I am someone who wants to go to work, to the gym, or to the grocery store, and have no one have a clue I have MS. I want people to see just a normal guy doing every day things just like every one else. I don't want people to see my as someone trying to live life with MS because I don't want the pity. I don't attention on me because of MS. I don't want to be treated any different than anyone else. I won't beat around the bush anymore.
I want to be normal.
This exact thing actually come up a few days ago when I had MRIs for my 1 year follow up. I went a took the MRIs and forgot to tell Lauren when I was about to start them. I called her after the fact and she asked me a couple questions about what MRIs I got and when my appointment to go over the MRIs was. I didn't have an answer for her and we both got a little annoyed with each other. I then opened up to her after she poked and prodded a bit. I told her:
Today was really hard for me. I didn't ask questions about when other appointments are or what parts of my brain and spine they took images of because I don't want to talk about it. I live every single day believing I am like everyone else. I go workout consistently for two reasons. One reason is because of physical health. The other reason is because it makes me feel like everyone else. I go to work the day of and the day after my treatments because I want to feel like everyone else. For the most part, I can live life feeling like everyone else. But every time I step in the doctors office, or chiropractors office, or treatment wing at the hospital I am reminded that I am not like everyone else. I have an incurable autoimmune disease. My way of coping with it is to block it out as much as possible. So should I have asked more questions to the doctor about the MRI and the follow up appointment? Yes I should have. But I didn't want the conversation about how I am not like everyone else to continue any longer than it had to.
Needless to say, this month is hard for me. It has opened my eyes to how I am coping with this and wondering if I am doing it correctly. Am I truly accepting of my diagnosis or am I running from it? This has been my internal struggle between sharing facts about MS and just going on throughout the month like any other month.
Despite the difficulties this month has brought mentally, it has also once again shown me the amazing people I have in my corner fighting for and with me. It reminds me of the speech Stuart Scott gave at the ESPYs in 2014. Click here to watch. In the speech he says, "Fight, Fight like hell. And when you get tired, lie down, rest, and let someone else fight for you." So as I mentally rest in this incredibly important month for MS awareness I am lucky enough to have others who are fighting for me. People updating their profile pictures, people texting me and encouraging me, loving on me, wanting to do MS fundraising events with me, and donating money to MS research. Throughout this month I have been reminded of how truly blessed and lucky I am. I don't know what I would do with out all of you out there praying for me and supporting me in the many different ways you can support me. Thinking about that gives me the strength to physically keep on fighting every single day. But it also gives me the strength mentally to embrace being different and to not be afraid to discuss that and share about that.
I have been reminded that different can be life changing if you allow it to be.
Take Heart; John 16 : 33