I have been meaning to write a post for some time now but whenever I planned to sit down and write something I never felt in the mood. I never felt like I had anything worth sharing to anyone and thus it never happened. I contemplate how MS focused this blog should be. Do I write every blog post about my journey with MS and how it has impacted my life and my thoughts on the future? Or is it okay to write about other stuff that I have been thinking about that may not relate to MS specifically? I don't know the answer to that and I am sure I will wrestle with that question for as long as I keep this blog going. I got a few good blog ideas from some friends that I can write about in the coming posts but I think I have something of interest or something that I want to write about for this time.
Before I was diagnosed with MS I had done a ton of research on my symptoms and the way I was feeling trying to figure out what was going on in my body. I eventually came to my own diagnoses that I probably had MS based on symptoms and what some medical people were telling me they were seeing in me. Self diagnosing was helpful in a lot of ways to get answers and start to understand but it also was a hindrance. Having MS became an excuse for me. I started thinking about all the things I would never be able to do again because at this time in my self diagnoses I was having trouble running a 1/4 mile and couldn't balance on one leg for more than 3 seconds. I would never be able to play competitive sports again. My high school alma mater has been doing a alumni game fundraiser for a couple years now and my college alma mater has an alumni soccer game every year. I thought to myself how I would never be able to play in those games again, never run a 5k or even a mile again. Things like that and it started to become toxic for me.
It got to the point where I had to tell myself that I didn't truly have MS. Despite the symptoms and despite my research I had to tell myself that I didn't have MS so I stopped making excuses for myself. My mind was just filled with excuses on why I wouldn't be able to do a certain task going forward because I had MS so I simply stopped believing I had MS. I wanted to continue to think that I was a normal person that could still live a normal life and strive to live a normal life. My believing I didn't have MS didn't last long because a day or two after I started saying I didn't have MS I was told by my eye doctor that the blurry vision I was having was optic neuritis and the first thing that comes to her mind when she sees it is MS, but at that point my mind had shifted a little bit. I now realized how toxic making excuses can be and so I tried my best to continue to see myself as not normal per say but able to do all the things that I used to be able to do if I just worked to get back to that place.
I was doing really well with not making excuses and pushing myself to get back to a good place physically and everything was going great. My balance has returned for the most part, vision is better than it has been previously, I feel like my muscles are getting stronger again, but every once in awhile excuses start to come back. I started doing cross fit in Ankeny every morning and absolutely love it but it has brought excuses into my head every now and then. "I would be so much better, lift so much more weight, be faster, if I didn't have MS." "If only people knew that I am not throwing around much weight because I have MS." Silly things like that but my competitiveness sometimes brings excuses. I have found out that when you start thinking in ways you shouldn't God conjures up a plan to knock you straight again and that happened in one of my classes. There is a new girl that started coming to my 5:30am class and you could tell she had some limitations but she continue to work hard and try and get better every day. I was leaving class one day when I felt compelled to talk to her so I introduced myself and briefly told her a little about me. She went on to tell me her story and it went something like this.
Before she was even born she had a seizure in the womb and she continued to have seizures after birth so when she was around 10 years old she had surgery to remove part of her brain that was, as she put it, dead. She also has cerebral palsy and doesn't have much function in her left arm. Yet every morning there she was working out trying to get better. It moved me and also was a kick in the butt in a good way. God presented me the opportunity to meet this college age girl who has cerebral palsy and has had part of her brain removed, working out every morning trying to improve her daily life. Before I left I told her that I wanted to introduce myself because I have MS and wanted to show her that there are others here working out because we have to. Working out to make sure we continue to have a good life and she responded in a rather upbeat way, "We will get through this together." I was driving to work and couldn't stop thinking about that comment. This was someone with cerebral palsy, who has had part of her brain removed, all the excuses in the world if she wanted them telling me, we will get through this. If this girl can grind every morning with the challenges that she faces every day than so can I.
It was a great reminder for me to stop making excuses. Stop saying, "I can't do this because I have MS." Or, "If only I didn't have MS." I have MS, it isn't going away, but that shouldn't change how I approach life and approach my goals. There is a saying I see everyone once in awhile on MS related facebook pages and it says, "I have MS but MS doesn't have me." This phrase is helpful for me because it tells me, I have MS but MS won't cause me to make excuses. MS won't cause me to stop chasing my dreams, MS won't stop me from living my life to the fullest. You can replace MS in that phrase with just about anything and I encourage you to look at your hurdles in life through that phrase. As soon as you start making excuses than overcoming that hurdle becomes exponentially harder. Your mind is a powerful thing, so fill it with positive reinforcement and go after those goals of yours. If you put your mind to it you can do and achieve anything.
Take Heart.