I had the pleasure to wake up before everyone else in the house this morning and just sit outside and be still. There is just something relaxing and refreshing about sitting outside looking at God's creations in silence. Nothing but the sounds of birds and the wind blowing the leaves in the trees.
As I sat there and pondered the last couple months one lesson came to mind that I have been taught, or maybe still being taught, and that is how to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable was never something I was good at growing up. I didn't talk about my feelings a whole lot, but then again not a whole lot of feelings went through my head to talk about. I remember going through marriage counseling before I got married and it was really hard! I was forced to talk about feelings. Yuck. There were times I would start a sentence with "I think..." and would get in trouble and would be forced to say how I feel. "I feel.." just weren't words that came out of my mouth. I also didn't show vulnerability in my physical well being. I hate going to the doctor and I don't usually show when something is bothering me. But over the last few months I have been almost forced to completely change my thought process on things.
I have been forced to be vulnerable with people. I have to visit a doctor at least once a month. I have to actually tell the doctor what exactly it is that I am feeling physically and emotionally. I have met with a couple other people who have MS and have discussed our symptoms and how we have adjusted to life which has been kind of awkward and hard to do. It is hard meeting up with someone and just talking about our experiences and how life has changed for us. But through all of this vulnerability I have discovered some pretty cool things. I have discovered friendship, love, compassion, understanding, and a new found need for God. I was always stubborn, might still be, and therefore I felt like I could handle a lot fo things on my own and I knew God was always by my side but how much did I really truly need him to accomplish things in life? I have become vulnerable to the point where I know I can't do life without God, and I don't want to. It took me being diagnosed with MS to understand that but it isn't because I have MS that I need God. When I was perfectly healthy I needed God to survive and make it through all the things life was going to throw at me.
I mentioned that I have spoken to and met others with MS and though it has been hard and awkward for me to open up and talk about myself it has been really great. I have met amazing people doing amazing things in this world that I would have never met before. I have found people who truly understand what I am going through and know the things I am feeling. When I say, "I have vision issues that effect depth perception, or that I feel like I just can't do the same things I used to be able to do" they understand. They have those same feelings and it is really comforting. I have been shown love from my wife, my parents, my sister and her husband, my larger family, my friends, those I didn't truly know very well and it has been absolutely amazing.
As I sit here and think about my infusion today and how I have to make another trip to the hospital and have to deal with more nurses and doctors that will ask my questions I think about how fulfilling the last few months have been. Ever since I became vulnerable to those around me I was filled with so much love and happiness. This is lame but the open heart jewelry collection at Kay and the motto is what comes to mind. "If you leave your heart open, love with always find a way in." But that seems to be what I have experienced. When I allowed myself to be vulnerable to those around me I found a whole lot of love, compassion, friendship and understanding. I never thought I would be able to become vulnerable but have been blessed through it all! I encourage everyone to be vulnerable to those around you, I promise that you will get nothing but blessings in return if you do!
Take heart!