Day after day I have thought about writing a new blog post and day after day I put the kids to bed and just have no energy or desire to sit down and write. I usually have to get lunch prepared for the next day along with setting out clothes, both workout and work clothes, since I leave at 5:20 in the morning, as well as clean up after two kids, so also sitting down and blogging just doesn't happen. At the same time, coming to grips with the things I wanted to talk about wasn't easy either so I don't think that helped my desire to write this out. Talking has helped me process things that I have gone through so I know writing this out will only help.
I wanted to get on here and give everyone an update on me and give, as the title suggests, a little peak into my thoughts recently. I imagine this is a peak into the thoughts and minds of just about everyone with MS or something similar. I had a conversation with Lauren the other day during our touchbase we try to do on a weekly basis. We have dropped the ball a little lately but we had a little stay in date night the other night playing sequence, great card/board game, and decided to have a little chat. I essentially told her that I have been a little worn out recently. When I was first diagnosed with MS it was a new challenge that I had ample amounts of energy to fight it and try to defeat it. If I look back at the first few months that I had MS I think I honestly thought it was just a really high hurdle in the way of my future and I was determined to get over that hurdle! I now sort of view MS as a warrior race that is never ending. A warrior race is a race where there are several different obstacles that you have to get through before reaching the finish line. MS is much like that where I am running a race(life) and have obstacles that come up at random times that I have to figure out how to get through.
Despite still being in a stage where my disease seems to be dormant life has been challenging. Every morning MS greets me with spasticity in my legs to the point where I think I wake Lauren up trying to stretch them out. Straining to straighten my legs first thing in the morning doesn't get me jacked for my 5:30 workouts either. To go with that I have been pretty exhausted in the evenings after putting my kids down to bed. Then when trying to go to bed I am no longer tired so falling asleep takes a little bit longer than it has in the past for me to fall asleep. MS is there with my from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep and every minute in between and it is exhausting!
Rehabbing from an injury can be tough but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Even something like a blown out knee eventually heals. It has been very apparent to me over the last month or so is that with MS there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel like there is with an injury or sickness. MS is an incurable chronic illness. I will be battling this for the rest of my life, and at times that is hard to face. It takes some of the thrill out of working out when I feel guilty that I miss a workout. I worry about how missing that workout may impact my physical health going forward. I know those thoughts or worries aren't benefiting me in anyway so I do what I can to push those out but it doesn't always happen.
Have I ever mentioned how incredible my wife is? I had this conversation with her and I felt like I was coming at her as a guy who wasn't currently fighting. Not in a bad way but I was exhausted and tired of battling this when I had the conversation and I could tell she instantly recognized that and started fighting for me. She responded by pointing out how much I love working out and how whether I had MS or not I would be working out with the same sort or regularity, so why would you lose any motivation to workout? It wasn't like I was working out extra because of my diagnosis. It was just the conversation that I needed. I have always tried to live a life where MS didn't decide what I could and couldn't do and she was reminding me of that. MS was making me workout. I would be working out no matter what. Life has a few different obstacles or challenges due to MS but it hasn't changed the things that I have done.
I needed that conversation with her at that exact moment! It rejuvinated me to continue on with this battle with energy and determination! I am so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such an amazing support system from my wife, to parents, to sister, to friends both new and old. A support system that is always there to pick me up when times are challenging. To push me to continue to become a better man that faces MS and life with everything I have. To fight for me when times get difficult and I don't feel like fighting for a few moments. I can't thank God enough for the people he has put around me and I encourage all of you to find your group. It takes a village to live this life. Whether your life looks like mine, battling MS, or doesn't there will come a time when you need a support system and I hope you find it. If not, I am here. Always.
Take Heart John 16 : 33
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